Parents usually want to do what is best for their children but often confuse their own wishes to be liked and avoid confrontation with what a child needs to experience in order to develop management of stress, frustration tolerance, anxiety, and learning from their own experience.experience. Children of these parents who have grown up without a model for structure or proper discipline and the cycle gets repeated in the next generation.
To give anyone what they ask for, especially when you have serious doubt as the efficacy of outcome or out of fear of their anger…or worse yet, that they may stop loving you, is enabling.
To try to make someone aware of the pitfalls they may face if they proceed on their chosen path, then when warnings have not been heeded, to support them to learn how to pick up the pieces, patch the broken parts, and plan ways to avoid a similar outcome in the future,that is support.
To show anger at someone because they cannot learn from your accidents, failures and misjudgments is inappropriate, yet we see it happening everywhere. An “I-told-you-not-to-do-that”, or, “You-shouldn’t-have-done-that” are among the many useless sayings often said. Asking what the choices had been and why that was their choice helps, not only to understand what is in someone else’s head but to give a basis for discussion and to examine other possible ways to cope or handle a dilemma, problem, or difficult situation.
The person who always gives in to temper tantrums is an emotional coward. (Mr. Bennett in Pride and Prejudice is a wonderful example of an enabler who allows his daughter, Lydia at 15, to go off to be the particular friend of a December-June marriage of the Colonel of a regiment of Red Coats. Despite the warnings and pleadings of his daughter Elizabeth, he allows Lydia to go to Brighton with the Colonel and his young wife because he says Lydia would not give them any peace until she would be allowed to go. She leaves.. Lydia later elopes with a man she thinks will marry her. He cares for her only as yet another sexual conquest and ignores the inevitable family shame and loss of reputation which will befall the four older sisters, as well. Their reputation faces ruining their chances of ever marrying well, or at all. In this instance Mr. Bennett has acted out of selfishness, not wanting to hear Lydia plead, whine and display her temper, thus enabling behavior which threatens the entire family.)
Intimidation is a favorite tool used by those who care little about consequences to others. People are threatened by the alcoholics demand for money or liquor; the spendthrift’s demand for money beyond any reasonable portion, suicide threats or doing something self-destructive or shaming the family, ignoring thefts by the selfish and willful, maintaining denial in face of inebriation, drug use or dangers to their health all are reasons to feel intimidated. Providing the users with whatever they wish rather than face denying them or dealing with the truth of what they are, to their face, and setting clear limits, is enabling. Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon have dealt for many years most effectively defining enabling but it remains a concept which many people continue to avoid because it requires people to brave anger, threats of loss of love and sometimes bodily injury.
As the proverb says: Give me a fish and I will eat for a day; teach me to fish and I will eat every day. Giving in to demands rather than helping a person develop ability to restrain their own excesses is enabling, not support. It is easier to enable; very tiring and difficult to support which requires patience, knowledge, listening, and responding with kindness and firmness. Twenty or thirty years ago this allowed some to develop and nourish the concept of ‘tough love’.
Whether one uses gentle or tough love, one must carefully examine whether one is using enabling, denial; or love, emotional support and wise counsel.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
STEVE BENEN WRITING IN THE CARPETBAGGER ON OBAMA'S REPLY TO REPUBLICANS
Sorry this is not original but too good to think that some of you may have missed this article.
"Obama Strikes Back: 'It's Like These Guys Take Pride in Being Ignorant'
Posted by Steve Benen, The Carpetbagger Report at 9:56 AM on August 6, 2008.
For nearly a week now, Republicans, including John McCain, his surrogates, and his aides, have been mocking the notion that routine auto maintenance can contribute to fuel efficiency. Yesterday, at an event in Ohio, Barack Obama mocked them back. If you'd like to watch the clip, here it is.
For those who can't watch clips online (and in the unlikely event you haven't seen the clip elsewhere), Obama told the Ohio audience:
[L]et me make a point about efficiency. Because my republican opponents they don't like to talk about efficiency.
You know, the other day I was in a town-hall meeting and I laid out my plans for investing $15 billion a year in energy efficient cars, and a new electricity grid and all this/ Somebody said, 'Well, what can I do, what can individuals do?' So I told them something simple, I said, 'You know what, you could inflate your tires to the proper levels, and that if everybody in America inflated their tires to the proper levels, we would actually probably save more oil than all the oil that we get from John McCain from right below his feet there, whatever it is that he was going to, wherever he was going to drill.
So now the Republicans are going around -- this is the kind of things they do, I don't understand it -- they're going around, sending like little tire gauges, making fun of this idea as if this is Barack Obama's energy plan.
Now two points. One, they know they are lying about what my energy plan is. But the other this they are making fun of a step that every expert says would absolutely reduce our oil consumption by 3 to 4%. It's like these guys take pride in being ignorant.
You know, they think it is funny that they are making fun of something that is actually true. They need to do their home work, because this is serious business. Instead of running ads about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, they should go talk to some energy experts and actually make a difference.
There are competing schools of thought here, but I found this pitch-perfect. I've long believed Obama is at his best, and most compelling, when he's on the stump, without notes, simply highlighting the silliness of the attacks against him. It makes his detractors appear even smaller, while setting the record straight.
Yes, his choice of words -- most notably "lying" and "ignorant" -- are provocative. That's precisely the point.
Indeed, I think that's what makes remarks like these so effective -- Obama threads the rhetorical needle, skewering his rivals with aggressive language, but doing so in a lighter, almost comedic, tone.
Ezra's take on the remarks was spot-on:
Obama is never better than when he's backed against the wall on an issue where he believes he's right. This was true of negotiating with dictators. It was true on the gas tax holiday. And it's proving true on tire gauges. If I were on the Obama campaign, the themes laid out in this video wouldn't simply be my rejoinder to the GOP's tire gauge bullshit. They'd be my message for the next few months. Not only is there a cutting attack in here, but there's also a reply to McCain's charges that Obama lacks substance. After all, if McCain has so much substance, how come he doesn't actually know anything?
What better way to highlight John McCain's ignorance than to accurately describe the problem with contemporary Republican anti-intellectualism: "It's like these guys take pride in being ignorant."
Indeed, I'd add that the other important part of this is Obama insisting, "This is serious business." McCain has ceded the grown-up ground, acting like a petulant child (whining, lying, playing with toys, easily distracted by nonsense), so Obama is stepping in, positioning himself as the adult in the race.
"They need to do their home work" -- in other words, we're dealing with conservative children who clearly aren't prepared to govern.
More like this, please."
"Obama Strikes Back: 'It's Like These Guys Take Pride in Being Ignorant'
Posted by Steve Benen, The Carpetbagger Report at 9:56 AM on August 6, 2008.
For nearly a week now, Republicans, including John McCain, his surrogates, and his aides, have been mocking the notion that routine auto maintenance can contribute to fuel efficiency. Yesterday, at an event in Ohio, Barack Obama mocked them back. If you'd like to watch the clip, here it is.
For those who can't watch clips online (and in the unlikely event you haven't seen the clip elsewhere), Obama told the Ohio audience:
[L]et me make a point about efficiency. Because my republican opponents they don't like to talk about efficiency.
You know, the other day I was in a town-hall meeting and I laid out my plans for investing $15 billion a year in energy efficient cars, and a new electricity grid and all this/ Somebody said, 'Well, what can I do, what can individuals do?' So I told them something simple, I said, 'You know what, you could inflate your tires to the proper levels, and that if everybody in America inflated their tires to the proper levels, we would actually probably save more oil than all the oil that we get from John McCain from right below his feet there, whatever it is that he was going to, wherever he was going to drill.
So now the Republicans are going around -- this is the kind of things they do, I don't understand it -- they're going around, sending like little tire gauges, making fun of this idea as if this is Barack Obama's energy plan.
Now two points. One, they know they are lying about what my energy plan is. But the other this they are making fun of a step that every expert says would absolutely reduce our oil consumption by 3 to 4%. It's like these guys take pride in being ignorant.
You know, they think it is funny that they are making fun of something that is actually true. They need to do their home work, because this is serious business. Instead of running ads about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, they should go talk to some energy experts and actually make a difference.
There are competing schools of thought here, but I found this pitch-perfect. I've long believed Obama is at his best, and most compelling, when he's on the stump, without notes, simply highlighting the silliness of the attacks against him. It makes his detractors appear even smaller, while setting the record straight.
Yes, his choice of words -- most notably "lying" and "ignorant" -- are provocative. That's precisely the point.
Indeed, I think that's what makes remarks like these so effective -- Obama threads the rhetorical needle, skewering his rivals with aggressive language, but doing so in a lighter, almost comedic, tone.
Ezra's take on the remarks was spot-on:
Obama is never better than when he's backed against the wall on an issue where he believes he's right. This was true of negotiating with dictators. It was true on the gas tax holiday. And it's proving true on tire gauges. If I were on the Obama campaign, the themes laid out in this video wouldn't simply be my rejoinder to the GOP's tire gauge bullshit. They'd be my message for the next few months. Not only is there a cutting attack in here, but there's also a reply to McCain's charges that Obama lacks substance. After all, if McCain has so much substance, how come he doesn't actually know anything?
What better way to highlight John McCain's ignorance than to accurately describe the problem with contemporary Republican anti-intellectualism: "It's like these guys take pride in being ignorant."
Indeed, I'd add that the other important part of this is Obama insisting, "This is serious business." McCain has ceded the grown-up ground, acting like a petulant child (whining, lying, playing with toys, easily distracted by nonsense), so Obama is stepping in, positioning himself as the adult in the race.
"They need to do their home work" -- in other words, we're dealing with conservative children who clearly aren't prepared to govern.
More like this, please."
Thursday, August 7, 2008
RAINY DAYS
Something about a rainy day brings me back to childhood. I no longer 'play' outside on sunny days so why should it make a difference? Yet, difference there is. My muscles and bones ache and I have no energy (or so I tell myself) to start a project. All I want to do is sit in a chair and read, occasionally getting up to stuff my face, to stop the stomach gurglings.
If it rains all day and I can rationalize there is nothing I HAVE to do, I can eliminate the several minutes it takes to get dressed. My furniture and the books I read do not care about my appearance. But rain means something different to many people. It makes grass grow when you can't get it mowed and can only wish you had a goat on your lawn.
If you are so unfortunate as to suffer a basement water problem or be in a flood plain, filling sandbags must not be fun and wading indoors even less comfortable. (Watching your belongings float around the basement is even worse.) I can't imagine the horror of sewer systems backing up!
However, when it is just normal rain, the gentle tapping on roof windows, the muted light, the fresh green outside makes it not unpleasant. When your hairdo does not suffer getting wet, you can even happily go out in the car and run errands without having to locate sunglasses. Nature seems forgets to keep a proper balance. I'm not complaining (as I listen to the 110 degree temperatures around the country, the tornadoes, hurricanes, forest fires, and whatever else people are subjected to by Mother Nature). Insensitively, I silently think, "Better you than I". I can tolerate the snow in NE winters and the cold. I am forced to tolerate the price of staying warm in the winter but I do not have to watch my house float down the river, burn up, or disappear in a gap created by an earthquake or sink hole. No, indeed, I can just hunker down in a comfy chair and imagine all the things I could do if it wasn't raining. It's almost as good as being there!
If it rains all day and I can rationalize there is nothing I HAVE to do, I can eliminate the several minutes it takes to get dressed. My furniture and the books I read do not care about my appearance. But rain means something different to many people. It makes grass grow when you can't get it mowed and can only wish you had a goat on your lawn.
If you are so unfortunate as to suffer a basement water problem or be in a flood plain, filling sandbags must not be fun and wading indoors even less comfortable. (Watching your belongings float around the basement is even worse.) I can't imagine the horror of sewer systems backing up!
However, when it is just normal rain, the gentle tapping on roof windows, the muted light, the fresh green outside makes it not unpleasant. When your hairdo does not suffer getting wet, you can even happily go out in the car and run errands without having to locate sunglasses. Nature seems forgets to keep a proper balance. I'm not complaining (as I listen to the 110 degree temperatures around the country, the tornadoes, hurricanes, forest fires, and whatever else people are subjected to by Mother Nature). Insensitively, I silently think, "Better you than I". I can tolerate the snow in NE winters and the cold. I am forced to tolerate the price of staying warm in the winter but I do not have to watch my house float down the river, burn up, or disappear in a gap created by an earthquake or sink hole. No, indeed, I can just hunker down in a comfy chair and imagine all the things I could do if it wasn't raining. It's almost as good as being there!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
THE EXCITING TIME IN WHICH WE LIVE
Species are struggling for life, while man pretends he is not among those. Penguins are finding fewer acres of natural habitat and a larder getting quite bare. Pollution contamination of air, water and soil continues at a rapid rate from the discharge of harmful substances. Greed of humans, for much for which they have little real need, is destroying or ruining the habitat of many animals. More greed is evidenced in poaching and weird ideas about parts of animals that will make humans more sexually virile, raise libido, and all sorts of erroneous results promised. Overpopulations of animals limits their resources. The result is many of them die off from starvation or illnesses caused by their subsequent physical weaknesses.
Tigers, Pandas and the Black Rhinoceros are currently being greatly threatened in the wild. They cannot all be saved as a species by zoos alone. The Center for Natural Resources writes as follows: Countless species have gone extinct from natural processes. Unfortunately we can no longer attribute the accelerating extinction of plants and animals to natural causes. Today most species of plants and animals become extinct because of habitat destruction (loss of living space to development or pollution) introduction of non-native organisms, and direct killing (overharvesting, poisoning). Since the widespread settlement of Florida in the mid-1800s, at least 19 species of animals and 12 plants are believed to have become extinct.
To view some of these check out the various available sites. We are being told there are so many. Now we can only hope to keep man from joining the other animals of the world. However, there are some dangerous threats that might be abolished. The animals within the Bush Administration and their backers who speak directly to God, write the 'Swift boat' campaign ads, and manipulate the Diebold voting machines might be considered on the priority list to go. May they be replaced by politicians with integrity, morality and ethics Like some in the past who cared for their country more than themselves and their greedy friends.
Maybe some of those who talk directly to God can do something about this dire situation. Rather, however, than leaving it all to God's will, perhaps we might give an assist with some legal processes. It seems there is not quite enough evidence to prove all the felonies committed but it might happen after these wonders leave office, unimpeached, to face the real desserts of their Administration. It is sad, indeed, that we can only dream of Justice in our country again.
Tigers, Pandas and the Black Rhinoceros are currently being greatly threatened in the wild. They cannot all be saved as a species by zoos alone. The Center for Natural Resources writes as follows: Countless species have gone extinct from natural processes. Unfortunately we can no longer attribute the accelerating extinction of plants and animals to natural causes. Today most species of plants and animals become extinct because of habitat destruction (loss of living space to development or pollution) introduction of non-native organisms, and direct killing (overharvesting, poisoning). Since the widespread settlement of Florida in the mid-1800s, at least 19 species of animals and 12 plants are believed to have become extinct.
To view some of these check out the various available sites. We are being told there are so many. Now we can only hope to keep man from joining the other animals of the world. However, there are some dangerous threats that might be abolished. The animals within the Bush Administration and their backers who speak directly to God, write the 'Swift boat' campaign ads, and manipulate the Diebold voting machines might be considered on the priority list to go. May they be replaced by politicians with integrity, morality and ethics Like some in the past who cared for their country more than themselves and their greedy friends.
Maybe some of those who talk directly to God can do something about this dire situation. Rather, however, than leaving it all to God's will, perhaps we might give an assist with some legal processes. It seems there is not quite enough evidence to prove all the felonies committed but it might happen after these wonders leave office, unimpeached, to face the real desserts of their Administration. It is sad, indeed, that we can only dream of Justice in our country again.
WE'RE FALLING AND WE CAN'T GET UP
The TV political news reporters have descended to the depths of Middle School, pubertal intelligence. Perhaps they rode down the butler's elevator with the McCain campaign crew that seems to be in the same place. McCain's people have Obama (McCain ad, that is) with Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and all the phallic symbols they could muster, hardly subtly subliminal but rather right-in-your-face with it. It had all the elements of having been planned by Karl Rove's grandchild, if he has one. It has Kathy Hilton, mother of Paris, asking for her maximum donation back, it is reported.
It is beyond my capacity to imagine anyone who cannot see through the Republican lies and want to perpetuate the horror of the slow and torturous death the Bush administration has been causing America for the last eight years yet some want more of the same. Someone spoke today of The Evangelicals seeing that Bush got into office because they want to destroy our current system of government. If that was their intent, they succeeded because out Constitution was ignored and we have had a Congress and Senate of Bush rubber stamps until the last election two years ago. Are the American people coming out of their lethargy? Who is paying off the pollsters to keep saying that McCain is more popular than Obama?
Osama bin Laden said he would break the USA financially and he, too, has succeeded. To catch him, a rat, a mouse trap was set and people are surprised that Al Qaeda is still operative. Apparently Al Qaeda is now appealing to women and children to do their suicide bombing. What are they promising the women for the afterlife...72 Muslim studs in Allah's Heaven?
Why are we searching for terrorists coming from elsewhere? We seem to be growing them right here. Listening to the speakers like Rush Limbaugh and some of the religious fire and brimstone preachers who bleed the poor of their funds while brainwashing them into further poverty, makes me wonder why we have media. As Jon Stewart and others have shown daily, the media parrots one another. Someone did a video show with sound bites naming every kind of card imaginable that people are 'playing', the race card being only one of them. Can the media realize this is not a game? It is like the old video show, 'This is Your Life' and mine and everyone else's! Help, we as a country are falling and we can't get up!!!!
It is beyond my capacity to imagine anyone who cannot see through the Republican lies and want to perpetuate the horror of the slow and torturous death the Bush administration has been causing America for the last eight years yet some want more of the same. Someone spoke today of The Evangelicals seeing that Bush got into office because they want to destroy our current system of government. If that was their intent, they succeeded because out Constitution was ignored and we have had a Congress and Senate of Bush rubber stamps until the last election two years ago. Are the American people coming out of their lethargy? Who is paying off the pollsters to keep saying that McCain is more popular than Obama?
Osama bin Laden said he would break the USA financially and he, too, has succeeded. To catch him, a rat, a mouse trap was set and people are surprised that Al Qaeda is still operative. Apparently Al Qaeda is now appealing to women and children to do their suicide bombing. What are they promising the women for the afterlife...72 Muslim studs in Allah's Heaven?
Why are we searching for terrorists coming from elsewhere? We seem to be growing them right here. Listening to the speakers like Rush Limbaugh and some of the religious fire and brimstone preachers who bleed the poor of their funds while brainwashing them into further poverty, makes me wonder why we have media. As Jon Stewart and others have shown daily, the media parrots one another. Someone did a video show with sound bites naming every kind of card imaginable that people are 'playing', the race card being only one of them. Can the media realize this is not a game? It is like the old video show, 'This is Your Life' and mine and everyone else's! Help, we as a country are falling and we can't get up!!!!
Monday, August 4, 2008
IT'S DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN
For quite a long time I watched little TV other than News and stuff on politics. Having slipped into a groove of wanting to quit myself of the constant urge to regurgitate over both,I began to look at what else on the screen might be palatable. Oddly, the same programs I enjoyed in the early 60s are still enjoyable. Why is it that Murder She Wrote, Perry Mason, Matlock, Diagnosis Murder and many others of the time are being rerun.
While I disbelieve that living in the past is fruitful, at the moment I find that reading and watching TV of things in past when the law always worked as it should and ends in truth for convictions. Short of showing only negative and violent realities, the worst that happens is always done by a 'bad guy' and in the end the good guy is vindicated. If we had to be lied to, it was much more pleasant knowing it was only a story than the lies from all corners to which we are currently subjected, from the top down.
If only our government worked that way! Wouldn't it be great if the bad guys faced justice? Wouldn't it be comforting to know that police, lawyers and major authority figures had integrity and used it on their jobs and in their personal lives. Will it happen before we have a human community on Mars?
While I disbelieve that living in the past is fruitful, at the moment I find that reading and watching TV of things in past when the law always worked as it should and ends in truth for convictions. Short of showing only negative and violent realities, the worst that happens is always done by a 'bad guy' and in the end the good guy is vindicated. If we had to be lied to, it was much more pleasant knowing it was only a story than the lies from all corners to which we are currently subjected, from the top down.
If only our government worked that way! Wouldn't it be great if the bad guys faced justice? Wouldn't it be comforting to know that police, lawyers and major authority figures had integrity and used it on their jobs and in their personal lives. Will it happen before we have a human community on Mars?
Sunday, August 3, 2008
THE LAW OF AVERAGES
There seems to be a balance of all things by Nature, physics, chance or other elements not understood by me. Perhaps Karma plays a part, perhaps the cause is something supernatural, beyond my comprehension. Whatever it is, nothing in life seems to go in a straight line for long. It seems when something finally works or is repaired, something else breaks down. When something is found, something else gets lost. Death seems to be followed by births. It is the spiral of life and I wish it were predictable.
Needless to say here, I know it is not Joe Bfsk (Al Capp's little gloomy guy who always had a tiny rain cloud over his head, never elsewhere) beside me. I do not feel that I am personally being singled out by someone's God, that Evil somehow surrounds me, though I kid about the Poltergeists who occasionally take up residence in my house. I never believed in the tooth fairy, though there may be a Typo fairy lurking around.
If I am singular in pondering these things, do not comment. I am already feeling alone with the thoughts. If you share any of this, please leave a comment.
All seems to be going well until a good friend is hospitalized in critical condition. All my household technologies seem to be working well. The friend starts to rally almost miraculously, and simultaneously two of my computers stop working for no apparent reason and beyond my ability to trace a single problem. It is difficult for me to find out what to do when both flat screens stay dark. One won't light and the other, when the computer is on, reads it is not getting an input.
Do any of these things happen when there is time to search out the source of the problem? Should I be pleased that neither monitor is working, suggesting the problem may not be the death of the monitor I was going out today to replace, but some other source? Is the Karma good or bad? Am I being told something to force me to something else? It did force me to learn how to get my web email from a third computer with hated Vista, which I rarely use. There it goes, one problem solves another.
Meanwhile I have a social commitment that disallows my spending the daylight hours trying to see what might have gone wrong with the connections, since the likelihood of something not being properly secured seems high. Am I being punished for telling someone not to come to visit as I needed some alone time? Why is there so little personal peace without the phone ringing, the necessity to make phone calls to Customer Service (where hours can be spent trying to solve a trivial problem)?
Needless to say here, I know it is not Joe Bfsk (Al Capp's little gloomy guy who always had a tiny rain cloud over his head, never elsewhere) beside me. I do not feel that I am personally being singled out by someone's God, that Evil somehow surrounds me, though I kid about the Poltergeists who occasionally take up residence in my house. I never believed in the tooth fairy, though there may be a Typo fairy lurking around.
If I am singular in pondering these things, do not comment. I am already feeling alone with the thoughts. If you share any of this, please leave a comment.
All seems to be going well until a good friend is hospitalized in critical condition. All my household technologies seem to be working well. The friend starts to rally almost miraculously, and simultaneously two of my computers stop working for no apparent reason and beyond my ability to trace a single problem. It is difficult for me to find out what to do when both flat screens stay dark. One won't light and the other, when the computer is on, reads it is not getting an input.
Do any of these things happen when there is time to search out the source of the problem? Should I be pleased that neither monitor is working, suggesting the problem may not be the death of the monitor I was going out today to replace, but some other source? Is the Karma good or bad? Am I being told something to force me to something else? It did force me to learn how to get my web email from a third computer with hated Vista, which I rarely use. There it goes, one problem solves another.
Meanwhile I have a social commitment that disallows my spending the daylight hours trying to see what might have gone wrong with the connections, since the likelihood of something not being properly secured seems high. Am I being punished for telling someone not to come to visit as I needed some alone time? Why is there so little personal peace without the phone ringing, the necessity to make phone calls to Customer Service (where hours can be spent trying to solve a trivial problem)?
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