Having started to examine my thought processes, I am reminded of the time when I thought all yellow flowers were dandelions and all pink and red ones, roses. But few things in life are that simple and, too often, we don't look at what they are, closely enough, to make distinctions. For years I took pictures of flowers and learned to identify wild flowers in my geographical area through all four seasons, from sprout to dead stem and seed pod.
Just as I can provoke an argument in any couple I see in therapy by pouring verbal salt into their interpersonal wounds (which, by the way, I would never do), I realize how I let myself think greatly influences my moods and course of action. It is as easy to think about positive things as it is to fear the worst. Having made myself a rule that I will never worry about things over which I have no control, it steers how I think about everything. Years ago, an in-law asked how I could go to sleep when my teen-agers were out. As I thought about it, I asked, "Why not, will they escape harm because I am awake?" I realized that she didn't face that she stayed awake to punish her children with guilt for making her worry. Was that thoughtfulness for the childrens' safety or selfishness to extract revenge for her anxiety? She made sure they knew she had been kept awake when they finally got home.
Early in my life I had anxiety dreams of falling from high places. The source of this fantasy in my sleep is irrelevant. When I read that no one who dreamt of falling to their death ever dreamt of landing because they would not have survived it, thus had no concept of the impact. Armed with that knowledge, which made perfectly good sense to me, I was able to control the thoughts even in my nightmare. Instead of landing, I would dream that I only needed to put my arms out and swoop away and never touch ground. I never had that nightmare after that though I still might get a queasy feeling behind my knees when I stand on a precipice or even think about it.
Noting also that my mind is never clear of thinking, I now hear the Greek Chorus that is always in the background. The Chorus is comprised of my parents, mentors, and all the others in my life whose opinions mattered to me and from whom my value system was forged. Sometimes the disaster oriented people in my life creep into it. Concentrating on my thought processes brought me in touch with the scan of the mental database I run through when I am making a decision. As I look out the window and see the snow, recall the weather report about temperature and wind, I begin to think about what I will wear when I go out this evening, from top to bottom.
Looking out the window I see one of the bluest skies I have ever seen and search my data bank for what causes this effect. Coming up empty, I immediately dash for Google. As I read the explanation, it all comes back to me. I've read that before. Why did I not retain the information? I conjecture it is because I didn't need to, I knew it was available elsewhere in storage and there if I looked it up again. But I remembered I had read it before. That must mean something of it has been retained. Where was it stored and why was it not available to me when I wanted it? So there I was, off in a thought detour! Maybe my brain retains headlines only on certain subjects.
I'm sure everyone thinks in different ways. Some people have more audio recall and others more visual. Lots happens for me by association. I remember names, jokes, and many events that way. I spell words, when in doubt, by writing them on my mental blackboard. I often spot that they don't look right that way. Of course, the spellchecker on the computer has ruined my ability to spell as well as I used to because I rely too heavily on it.
Having started thinking about thinking, I feel as if I have just touched the tip of an iceberg...unfortunately my position on most things in life.
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