People have different values and perceptions about the same behaviors and events. What is acceptable to one is not to another. During the many years I saw couples in therapy, I never wasted time trying to find which one had the facts straight. Subjectivity causes distortion of facts and it has so widely been researched and proven that witnesses may believe they are telling what was there but, often, they are telling what they think they saw.
The therapeutic work that must be done is to help them to understand what in their value system has been violated and how they have been conditioned to react to it. Often, it is as simple as each believing the other should feel as they do. Of course they may not, having grown up to think for themselves and coming from an entirely different context where values and tolerance depends on religious and ethnic values as well as social norms in their previous environments.
One of the most challenging aspects to marriage in the need for a couple to merge these in order to live a compatible life. If neither can compromise or change any of their views due to their rigidity, the marriage will not last...at least not happily. Surprisingly, fidelity is not a requisite for all relationships. Impotent husbands or frigid wives often accept different rules of behavior. When one partner withholds intimacy as a manipulation or punishment, marital rules may change.
Again, it all points to the reality that nothing can be assumed from outside the marriage. It is a cardinal rule that a therapist must not make assumptions or pass judgements. The first rule taught to any therapeutic discipline is "start where the patient is".
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