Many people seek therapists to agree with a diagnosis of 'our problem is communication' This is as meaningful as saying, 'Yes, there is weather out today'. What people who have communication problems all share is the lack of ability to separate out the layers of their interactions, understand them and communicate them back to one another..
For example, let us assume there has been some misunderstanding when the couple is to meet somewhere. One fails to show up on time. This results in one placing blame and the other becoming defensive.. Neither may have shared the next layer of the interaction, thinking they have said all there is to say about it.. What did each feel? What did they think the other felt?
Given consistent pushing from a third person, it might be noted that each has made conclusions on watching body cues, facial expressions,tenor and volume of voice and misinterpreted them as anger and blame by not asking the other for confirmation.as to whether they were being accurately read. This is likely followed by a discussion of what each said to the other that was perceived inaccurately and then responded to the inaccuracy with more inaccuracy. Coaxed, both of them might eventually be able to tell from where in their past their words had triggered their reactions. Those may have been feeling blamed or criticized, frustrated, boxed in, pushed out, or any number of responses..
Assessing the concrete facts of how each had initially planned to meet and what had failed is simply step number one of the communication. The second step is the understanding as to what kept the lack of communication from a clearer understanding from both. The more essential task is to get insight as to what fed the responses made to the other person and where misunderstanding in this process may have occurred, finalizing the discussion only when each understands the other. Often it is easier to see anger than pain. Many people cringe at anger and stop talking. Accepting pain in the other requires.the ability of hearing about it without feeling guilty or responsible for pain that you might not have caused.
In most communication within relationships, it is best to say more than less. If a person cannot really share their feelings it will make misreading body language as well as words and intent inaccurately.too simple and frequent an occurrence. Good communication skills go far beyond just knowing the words to use or telling the other person what they should have said or how they should have said it.
For example, let us assume there has been some misunderstanding when the couple is to meet somewhere. One fails to show up on time. This results in one placing blame and the other becoming defensive.. Neither may have shared the next layer of the interaction, thinking they have said all there is to say about it.. What did each feel? What did they think the other felt?
Given consistent pushing from a third person, it might be noted that each has made conclusions on watching body cues, facial expressions,tenor and volume of voice and misinterpreted them as anger and blame by not asking the other for confirmation.as to whether they were being accurately read. This is likely followed by a discussion of what each said to the other that was perceived inaccurately and then responded to the inaccuracy with more inaccuracy. Coaxed, both of them might eventually be able to tell from where in their past their words had triggered their reactions. Those may have been feeling blamed or criticized, frustrated, boxed in, pushed out, or any number of responses..
Assessing the concrete facts of how each had initially planned to meet and what had failed is simply step number one of the communication. The second step is the understanding as to what kept the lack of communication from a clearer understanding from both. The more essential task is to get insight as to what fed the responses made to the other person and where misunderstanding in this process may have occurred, finalizing the discussion only when each understands the other. Often it is easier to see anger than pain. Many people cringe at anger and stop talking. Accepting pain in the other requires.the ability of hearing about it without feeling guilty or responsible for pain that you might not have caused.
In most communication within relationships, it is best to say more than less. If a person cannot really share their feelings it will make misreading body language as well as words and intent inaccurately.too simple and frequent an occurrence. Good communication skills go far beyond just knowing the words to use or telling the other person what they should have said or how they should have said it.
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