SUGGESTING, NOT DIRECTING

For years, as a psychotherapist, I have tried to pay attention to the words of my patients and, even more importantly, to my own. What I think I am saying is often not heard as I intend. What a person hears is often effected by whatever association is triggered (pleasant or unpleasant memories), the degree of anxiety or fear in the listener at the time (in other words, the degree to which the message presents a threat to the listener), and whether the message is heard clearly or obfuscated by the listener's total concentration on their own intended response, to name a few factors.

If you want to be heard and understood, the message has to be non-threatening (make the toxic non-toxic) and make statements that cannot be disqualified. Do not make it personal nor profane because the focus of the message will shift. For example, no one can know how I feel, nor tell me how I should feel. It matters greatly if I tell someone. "You are a scary, threatening person"The person might then say, I am not a scary or threatening person, that is your problem.", or, "I am not intending to threaten you and would not wish you to be afraid."

"You are....." is a matter of perception or misperception. "I fear..." is a fact and cannot be disqualified. What that feeling is based on can then be discussed. If I feel I have been wronged and say, "I am angry" I need to be able to tell the person what my anger is based on. As the conversation proceeds, I may then find out that I have been misinformed and based my anger on false gossip or erroneous 'facts', in which case my anger will likely dissipate. It is always annoying to me when TV pundits attribute feelings and motivation to political candidates, as William Kristol did when he stated, forcefully, that Senator Clinton was faking the tears in New Hampshire. Pundits aren't the only ones who are guilty of this. In years of treating marriages and couples, I find that people often insist that they know exactly what the other person meant even as the other is negating the interpretation. People who do this are among the very large group who also rewrite history, especially family history and the intolerable parts of their own past..

There is a delightful book by an Australian author, Cordelia Fine, PhD, social psychologist. Her book is: a mind of its own: How Your Brain Distorts and Deceives. Her chapters on brains include: vain, emotional, immoral, deluded, pigheaded, secretive, weak-willed, bigoted, and vulnerable. Considering how one's mind plays its own tricks to preserve ego, sanity, etc, it is a wonder any of us can learn to communicate effectively.

If you want to be heard, don't say, "You should....". Most people do not like to be told what they should do as though there is not a choice for them and only a single right or wrong. A "Have you ever considered this.....?" seems to be far more effective. Of course there are many variations to anything that can be said. A useless comment is: "Why didn't you......?" This is ineffective because it shifts the focus from 'now' to the past which, unfortunately cannot be relived.

You can tell a child over whom you have control, or an adult over whom you have some sort of control, as a boss might have in threatening unemployment if not complied with, but any coercion may also be met with passive-aggressive resistance. Force a child to drink their milk when they refuse it and they can out-wait you and eventually pour it down the sink. I soon learned it was faster and safer to flush it down the toilet where I would less likely be caught again because the white didn't show in the toilet as it did in the soapstone sink! Children have more time than adults to engage in power struggles, value their future less, and are willing to risk more than most adults. On the job, adults show their power struggle with the boss by pretending to work while they shop on the computer, write email, etc. and avoid being caught.