Lots of research has gone into trying to understand what goes in couples quarreling. Unfortunately, another researcher comes up with a one-size-fits-all explanation. Having treated couples for probably more years than this researcher has been alive, I can say that his research is most interesting, applicable generally to many couples, but not all. To read a summary of his work, click here.
For years some have claimed couples fight over religion, money and children. That may not negate the above but broadens the subject for understanding. Perhaps these subjects can be broken down to the elements mentioned in the Sanford research. However, as my readers know of me, I do not find that the one-size-fits-all answers understanding people or in clothing them. If one searches the Internet under 'why married people fight', therapists advertise that all married people argue and fight and they can be taught the right way to do it. See here
Now added to the 'one-size-fits-all' idea is that there is a 'right and a wrong way' to fight. They, of course, will teach you the right way. In my clinical experience, it has always been 'different strokes for different folks' and one can't diagnose from a rule book. Indeed, certain symptoms add up to certain conclusions but those symptoms can only be understood in a context that is not readily visible. Unlike the medical patient who is more apt to describe where and how it hurts on that scale from 1 to 10 so frequently solicited, the patient in a psychotherapist's office is not so readily understood, not so easily in touch with the sources of angst or anger, and often unlikely to be truthful (for another set of reasons research has tried to encapsulate.
In all matters, while researchers have helped understand a great deal, global application doesn't work. Beware! Music can't be written for all listeners by mathematical formulas nor can patients be treated by simple rules or formulas.
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