Why don't you get this?

In a long list of useless things that people say to one another, here is one of my favorites. Do people really expect an answer when they ask this question, "Why don't you get this?" It is as useless as, "Why can't you find it?"

If one examines the many reasons that people can't 'get' things, think of denial as one example. It is a defense mechanism that denies reality to keep one' s self-image intact. Even faced with visual proof, people can rationalize all kinds of reasons not to believe, such as: those photos were doctored, someone is just trying to make trouble, my child (spouse or whoever) would never do that, and endlessly more. People get ready to hear facts only when those facts are no longer too frightening to them. Some people must maintain their correctness, protect a decision made, or avoid seeing their memory in danger of being distorted by reality. Instead, it is distorted in an easier manner to tolerate; denial of the facts, or a rewrite of history. A competent psychotherapist, in order to be effective with a patient, must find a way to make the 'toxic non-toxic'. (A phrase coined by Dr. Murray Bowen many years ago.)

Often another useless saying comes into play, though in this context it may be helpful..."Oh, lots of people have (do, think, feel) that way". In this example, the patient is helped to preserve themselves to not feel alone, ashamed, or threatened. The simple fact that they are not unique in their struggle lowers the danger of ego-assault and they may listen to helpful coping mechanisms to make life less stressful. A change in attitude may occur, dropping the need to deny as a defense.

This useless expression, 'Why don't you get this?" is used in arguments often between religious believers and non-believers. It is prevalent in those who have been duped by politicians and those who voted against. We find it in personal, emotional relationships frequently, those of us who live in them or work with them. Jokes are made, such as: Denial is not a river in Egypt. However, one cannot make light of this use of defense mechanisms when we find it governs decisions being made that effect the lives of millions of people. I hear it in every speech our current President makes. He never admits to a blatant mistake or misstatement of facts though many are well documented. When a majority of Americans become complicit in his dysfunctional denial, our country is, and remains in great danger.

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