THINKING ABOUT THINKING 2

Having started to examine my thought processes, I am reminded of the time when I thought all yellow flowers were dandelions and all pink and red ones, roses. But few things in life are that simple and, too often, we don't look at what they are, closely enough, to make distinctions. For years I took pictures of flowers and learned to identify wild flowers in my geographical area through all four seasons, from sprout to dead stem and seed pod.

Just as I can provoke an argument in any couple I see in therapy by pouring verbal salt into their interpersonal wounds (which, by the way, I would never do), I realize how I let myself think greatly influences my moods and course of action. It is as easy to think about positive things as it is to fear the worst. Having made myself a rule that I will never worry about things over which I have no control, it steers how I think about everything. Years ago, an in-law asked how I could go to sleep when my teen-agers were out. As I thought about it, I asked, "Why not, will they escape harm because I am awake?" I realized that she didn't face that she stayed awake to punish her children with guilt for making her worry. Was that thoughtfulness for the childrens' safety or selfishness to extract revenge for her anxiety? She made sure they knew she had been kept awake when they finally got home.

Early in my life I had anxiety dreams of falling from high places. The source of this fantasy in my sleep is irrelevant. When I read that no one who dreamt of falling to their death ever dreamt of landing because they would not have survived it, thus had no concept of the impact. Armed with that knowledge, which made perfectly good sense to me, I was able to control the thoughts even in my nightmare. Instead of landing, I would dream that I only needed to put my arms out and swoop away and never touch ground. I never had that nightmare after that though I still might get a queasy feeling behind my knees when I stand on a precipice or even think about it.

Noting also that my mind is never clear of thinking, I now hear the Greek Chorus that is always in the background. The Chorus is comprised of my parents, mentors, and all the others in my life whose opinions mattered to me and from whom my value system was forged. Sometimes the disaster oriented people in my life creep into it. Concentrating on my thought processes brought me in touch with the scan of the mental database I run through when I am making a decision. As I look out the window and see the snow, recall the weather report about temperature and wind, I begin to think about what I will wear when I go out this evening, from top to bottom.

Looking out the window I see one of the bluest skies I have ever seen and search my data bank for what causes this effect. Coming up empty, I immediately dash for Google. As I read the explanation, it all comes back to me. I've read that before. Why did I not retain the information? I conjecture it is because I didn't need to, I knew it was available elsewhere in storage and there if I looked it up again. But I remembered I had read it before. That must mean something of it has been retained. Where was it stored and why was it not available to me when I wanted it? So there I was, off in a thought detour! Maybe my brain retains headlines only on certain subjects.

I'm sure everyone thinks in different ways. Some people have more audio recall and others more visual. Lots happens for me by association. I remember names, jokes, and many events that way. I spell words, when in doubt, by writing them on my mental blackboard. I often spot that they don't look right that way. Of course, the spellchecker on the computer has ruined my ability to spell as well as I used to because I rely too heavily on it.

Having started thinking about thinking, I feel as if I have just touched the tip of an iceberg...unfortunately my position on most things in life.

THINKING ABOUT THINKING

For some elusive reason, I thought about thinking about what I was thinking. As I thought about it, I realized that thinking was a process which differs greatly, depending on the subject or focus. Clearly, as I think, I also feel. If my thoughts are about the weather or current temperature, my body responds and then my mind plans what I must do about being too warm (a rarity) or too cold. If the latter, my mind visualizes what I will do about it. The bathroom where my fluffy robe hangs became a visual. In my mind I walk to it, take the robe off the hook, put it on my body, then tie the belt on. This image will quickly be followed by action, in which I follow the visualization procedure.

Experimenting with other thoughts, I wondered if I could trigger my body to recreate the terror I experienced when I had been in the Athens airport while Palestinian terrorists were throwing hand grenades into the crowd (which included my husband, me, and three of our children). Memory became two parts; the first was the memory of being there, hearing and feeling the events as though I were an observer floating above it all, rather than a participant. The second part was the view from my own body, reliving it through my eyes and other senses directly as it happened, but with a muted fear response from the one when actually there. I figured this was because I already knew the end result...we would all be okay and unhurt. Fear fades, as does the tension when you read a book or see a movie for the second time and can put away the anxiety. I concluded that memories, even of horrors, aren't experienced as acutely when one currently feels safe. Imagining the unknown can stir up emotion, especially if you are a catastrophizer, but it is not as painful as having actually lived through something where results are sure.

Sometimes I think in black and white visualizations, sometimes in color. At times I think in Greek, especially if I have been immersed by a visit there or a visit to Greek speaking relatives. Sometimes my thinking has sound: people's voices, music, my conscience (my own voice speaking to me)if my own voice is not lecturing me, it may be rationalizing or explaining.

At other times, my brain is dialoguing with itself, replaying a conversation, planning what I could have...or should have said. I rehearse conversations but when I actually get to those, the other person never gives their dialogue properly as I have planned it so what I have rehearsed doesn't happen and I have to go back to ad libbing.

Sometimes I set up behavioral tasks for myself. When I am procrastinating, I tell myself I can read a book, or reward myself in some other way if I get a certain number of items off my to-do list. There is never a time when I am not thinking. That is why it always surprising when I ask someone what they are thinking about and get the answer, "Oh, nothing, I was just driving." It reminds me of when I taught Family Therapy and asked students their ethnicity. Some were naive enough to tell me that they had none, they were just American!

Since I am a multi-tasker, I think and plan while I am reading e-mail, reading a book, or watching TV. I think about other things while on hold, or on boring phone calls. How my brain splits thoughts has always intrigued me. If I am peeling a potato it barely engages my focus. I plan all sort of things and work through difficult planning while doing rote tasks. Fantasizing, day dreaming, solving problems, reliving events, running movies in my head (taken without benefit of camera), and so much more goes on in my brain. Have you ever thought about what goes on in yours?

ON A BOARD

When a few people get together, we call it a group. When the business is overseeing something, we call it a Board. (substitute 'bored' for the dull ones). Strange behavior is seen when people in the group see themselves as having power. This is not to be confused with the adage 'strength in numbers'. This is the powerless misinterpreting that the numbers have to be in agreement.

Non-voting members often have power through job title. Appointed peons can vote so often find the opportunity to flex their vocal muscle to full power. Watching someone pull an insignificant point through everyone's lower sphincter in such an exercise is unpleasant for those who recognize their time wasted on this irrelevant exercise.

Clearly few have read the material sent to them prior to the meeting. Thus, those who diligently did their homework are forced to listen to everything being repeated for all those who had to start from square one, the same people who ask for all the minutia. Then much of it has to be repeated for those who didn't listen because they were busy looking through their piles of material sent but not-read...because somehow reading it as it was being reviewed orally was necessary to fully comprehend it.

Everyone joining such a group adds to the torturous mass, and the time that gets wasted is exponential to the number of bodies present. More comments, questions, and repetitions make the meeting longer. It should be noted that the room temperature is never stable nor within majority comfort limits. Menopausal women usually find it too hot; women who are not, find it too cool; overweight men find it overly warm after the work out of getting there, and others open and close windows or turn air conditioners and outside air fans on and off. This keeps the movers awake longer.

Generally, the task-oriented atmosphere forbids levity. Since such grim ambiance challenges me, I push pun and sarcasm buttons. When I get someone to laugh, they usually look guiltily at the chairperson, expecting a reprimand. If one is a volunteer in the group (people masochistic enough to offer themselves for community service are difficult to attract to the job) a special position is enjoyed. No income will be lost if you get asked to leave. I smile innocently, as though I didn't know my comment wasn't in all seriousness but was really a double entendre which some poor soul caught.

Rocking the boat is my way of staying awake through boredom. Some take a shortcut and simply fall asleep in their chairs, waking up to pretend that they were just resting their eyes, but listening. Some doodle and are clearly somewhere else in their heads.

If the group has less important work to fulfill and people attending are not on a payroll, then rocking the boat is risk free, more or less. Then, my goal is to have a good time and usually draw others into the venture. In one such group, the joy was pulling everyone into having a good time until the chairperson was close to being over-the-top-annoyed. At this point we would all focus on her with serious faces, hear her out quickly, before resuming our fun. That Board's task was to work out monthly programs and presenters. Now this group meets without the necessity for work. We just have fun! Fun Board is an oxymoron unless you change the culture.

THE MANY FACES OF A LAUGH

With all the brain studies being done, I have wondered why no one has figured out why there are as many different senses of humor as there are people, it seems. Have you ever noticed how even your own sense of humor depends on the context of from whom you hear or to whom tell a joke. I enjoy telling jokes because when my listener laughs, I also laugh all over again. No matter how familiar I am with the joke, I can almost pee my pants if the person I have told it to is laughing hysterically. Other people's laughter is contagious to me.

You can almost diagnose a clinically depressed person when they laugh at a joke but nothing on their face shows it. Sounds of laughter creak out of their mouth but their eyes don't slant or leak, their cheeks look like they just had a very tight face lift.

Some people tell jokes and begin laughing and snorting just before the punch line which you can't understand because of the noise from their laugh obfuscating the words. More confusing is when I tell a joke and the listener begins to laugh so hard...BEFORE I get to the punch line...that I am never able to finish the joke.

However, the most frustrating to me are the people to whom I tell a joke (that many people have plainly enjoyed before) but this person stays poker-faced and says, "Is that the joke? I don't get it." More puzzling yet, is the person who interrupts you in the middle of the joke you are telling them so that they can tell you about a joke of which they were reminded by the piece of joke you have had time to tell them; those who need to ask, before you tell a joke, whether it is 'off-color' because they don't listen to 'those'. I usually stare at them, in disbelief, and tell them I only tell black and white jokes that lack humor.

Nevertheless, anything that makes me laugh is good tonic and I go back to those sources frequently. There are friends who seem to know what I would find funny and there are those who tell me I am on their joke list and send me Angel poems or Bible passages. Bare acquaintances send me "My best friend prayers", and others send jokes I heard 50 years ago with poorly disguised attempts to make the humor fit this era. I can forgive them because I remember the original and realize they weren't even born during the era that joke was first heard and have no concept of what made the joke so funny in the first place.

I'm told that joke telling is an art. Nothing is more embarrassing to me than to tell a joke, get distracted, and mess up the punch line. I remember jokes by subject association so, after my many years on earth, there are few subjects that don't remind me of a joke. I miss that humor on the Internet is often no longer a joke but, rather, lists of funny things. Try as I might, I do well if I can remember a few off the list but it is never as funny as a joke with a total surprise ending that catches people unaware, like the old couple sitting at their kitchen table when the husband asks his wife, "Whatever became of our sexual relations?" As she looks like she is thinking about the answer, she comments, "I don't know. They didn't send us a Christmas card this year."

TO BE A PART OF HISTORY

If the Superbowl is played and I am not there to see it, the game will go on and history will be created. If I watch it on TV and go through all the emotions I might have had while there, I feel as much a part of history as those who paid a small fortune to be there, who froze in line (or roasted, depending on where they were), and I probably got to see more of it in the comfort of my home. I do not have to physically or emotionally suffer, be pick-pocketed or suckered financially, to be a part of history. I just have to live and take notice of that which goes on around me.

What then is this nonsense about having to go to Washington for the Inauguration 'to be a part of history'. Some people need the crush of bodies, to 'feel' the emotions and excitement of those around them, in order to feel a part of the experience. I do not! My pride and excitement came on the first day of Obama's presidency when I heard that he immediately stopped the last minute changes and directives GW gave on his way out, that do not fit the direction in which the majority of the country wants to go. It comes from his allowing agencies that offer information on birth control to, once again, get funding; it comes from the knowledge that stem cell research will be permitted (though many of our best scientists have gone to other places where they have been able to research in the last eight years); my heart lifted in hearing that off-shore drilling will be stopped as will may other threats to our environment and our way of life as it was prior to GW and his Gang of Greedy GOPs.

In the 40s, I was a part of our country's history as we thrilled with pride for our country and felt close to strangers because we knew we were all pulling hard for the same goals...to bring our service men and women back safely, to rid ourselves of the overt threats to our country, to work as hard as we could to be a help to that cause which would bring us back to a better and freer life. We all agonized together when WWII ended but the cold war began and we feared a nuclear attack. Having been through that process, once, made me feel a part of history through that feeling of hope that our combined efforts would succeed in reaching our goal. A few months ago, I didn't need to crowd into Washington to prove my vote mattered or that I once again could enjoy the feeling of hope that our lives would begin to improve and we would see less suffering, poverty, illness and death of our own citizens here in the USA as well as the rest of the world.

What, then, was the reason so many poured into Washington yesterday? Perhaps minorities needed to show the strength in numbers and the pride they felt for having reached a bar that should never have been set for them. The hypocrisy of this country, of the whites who have felt superior to other races, has no excuse. For the 'Christians' who assume the same superiority, it only pushes me further away from respect for anything they proselytize.

It is unlikely that Obama can make right the wrongs of the previous administration and relevant that he has turned a massive tide. He is gifted, intelligent, but more importantly, prepared for the office to which he was elected. My living in history is currently with shame, that our country became so powerful that we could destroy so much of the world's economy and the lives of so many people added to those killed or wounded, orphaned, tortured, imprisoned without due process; and violation to our reputation throughout the world seen no longer as people who care about human rights and laws, let alone following agreements like the Geneva Conventions and Treaties we once promised to uphold.

A generation ago, some of my in-laws waited in line for hours to be the first to go over a bridge just opening. I was not among them. It seemed a worthless use of anyone's time since it required no real effort or expertise to achieve. The bridge never knew or cared nor did anyone else. The achievement died with those relatives. My small road to personal achievement is to be a person who will live on in the memory of others as someone who positively influenced their life course in some way that may be reflected in their parentling. I will do it in a small way. Obama will do it in a big way. All who achieve to better this world will be a part of history. Crowding together to feel good by the achievement of others, vicariously, doesn't work for me...apparently it is all some others can strive to achieve. Hope, integrity, morals, kindness and lots of other good things CAN rub off. Maybe that is what happens in events like the Million Man March or crowding into Washington to witness the Inauguration, for some.

JON STEWART ON BUSH

Progress and change can be oh, so good! Cable TV and the Internet have made some of the obfuscation we have lived with for so long, more difficult. Ambulances are now equipped with computers that send info on the patient ahead to the ER (Emergency Room) so that they don't lose time trying to figure out what to do. Even police brutality, caught on police video cams demonstrates that some of these new uses are invaluable.

Jon Stewart commenting on Bush as he left office and tried to rationalize every wrong decision and stupid act as a disappointment or someone else's fault is a gem and well worth watching on You Tube. As I have commented before, it is a sad condemnation of our news media that a comedian makes more sense than most of the journalists.

BIRD FLU IS STILL A THREAT TO HUMANS

Two women, ages 27 and 19 have died in China after handling birds. A 2 year old has been infected but still lives. When a stricken person dies, as a lay person I wonder if that means that the viruses that may have mutated within that body will also die. I hope the 2 year old lives, but I question whether the virus will have evolved more fully within that little human body to become a more significant threat to humans. Perhaps someone with medical knowledge about viral mutations will publish something soon. Bird flu often resurges in the winter months in China, but not every case is fatal.

"A lethal strain of bird flu has been spreading across the globe for more than four years, killing millions of birds and hundreds of humans.
However, fears of a new pandemic, which could claim millions of lives, have not been realized so far, even though the mortality rate of the disease among humans has risen above 60%." Read this for more details.

We are fortunate that there is no danger that the US is in immediate danger of the disease. Nevertheless every vaccine making company has been working on producing the HSN1 strain. Fortunately for research, the strain was caught before mutation

To read information from the CDC, got to their site.

WHY HAS THE US TREATED SMART AS STUPID; AND STUPID AS SMART FOR THE LAST EIGHT YEARS?

From time to time I have commented on research when it is not done well. It seems that I should not omit Polls in that category, as well. Poll statistics are out daily and we are not told,1) who was polled 2) Exactly what questions were asked; in what tone of voice 3) what dialogue preceded between the interviewer and interviewee before the question was asked and conclusion reached.

Today, US Opinion Polls quotes a Rasmussen Poll as saying that 39% of Americans believe that abortions (though legal) are too easy to obtain. That statement somewhat defies logic and other polls. For example, does 39% of our population try to get abortions? That would be very hard to believe since a large portion of our population are men, seniors, and underage to be able to get pregnant. It does make one subject to challenging what is in print, often.

Chesley Sullenberger, the pilot who safely landed on the Hudson and saved the lives of everyone on board, even those passengers who were not cooperating with the requests for safety, shows the importance of being well-trained for your job. He not only was an experienced pilot but also a glider pilot and expert on safety, having served in NTSB (National Transportation Safety Board). How refreshing to know that we have professions who check qualifications for their employess. Why do we not have the Presidency as well prepared for that job? GW Bush was as ill-prepared for the Presidency as anyone I could have had nightmares about.

However, the country is finally beginning to value intelligence and job preparation once again. I sincerely hope that the days of CEOs who continue to get raises and extraordinary bonuses whether their company is solvent or not. Perhaps now, the dumbed down society we have come to value on TV, books and movies, will begin to value good work ethics, hard work, achievement, and intelligence as much as it has catered to the bottom feeders.

The term intelligence' got polluted' by the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation and detectives who supposedly do 'intelligence' work) often portrayed as blundering morons; the Fundamentalists use of 'Intelligent Design', and people who take 'intelligence tests' and score low who are encouraged to tease the 'eggheads', 'nerds', 'geeks, and lots of other pejorative terms for people who can use their brains more easily and effectively than the lower half of average. Unfortunately Mother Nature is sometimes unkind when she creates Aspergers kids who grow up to be brilliant but socially insensitive, often. Intelligence is looked down at early in life when smart kids are called 'know-it-alls', smart alecks, The minority of students who get to be Rhodes Scholars, receive scholarships, even National Honor Society are not as honored as the sometimes uneducated, poor grammarian athletes or other entertainers, rappers, and metallica bands hands. That there are Chesley Sullenbergers in many professions and vocations should never be overlooked. We need to bring them to the attention of our youth so that their role models will change to more appropriate goals in life.