THINKING ABOUT THINKING 2

Having started to examine my thought processes, I am reminded of the time when I thought all yellow flowers were dandelions and all pink and red ones, roses. But few things in life are that simple and, too often, we don't look at what they are, closely enough, to make distinctions. For years I took pictures of flowers and learned to identify wild flowers in my geographical area through all four seasons, from sprout to dead stem and seed pod.

Just as I can provoke an argument in any couple I see in therapy by pouring verbal salt into their interpersonal wounds (which, by the way, I would never do), I realize how I let myself think greatly influences my moods and course of action. It is as easy to think about positive things as it is to fear the worst. Having made myself a rule that I will never worry about things over which I have no control, it steers how I think about everything. Years ago, an in-law asked how I could go to sleep when my teen-agers were out. As I thought about it, I asked, "Why not, will they escape harm because I am awake?" I realized that she didn't face that she stayed awake to punish her children with guilt for making her worry. Was that thoughtfulness for the childrens' safety or selfishness to extract revenge for her anxiety? She made sure they knew she had been kept awake when they finally got home.

Early in my life I had anxiety dreams of falling from high places. The source of this fantasy in my sleep is irrelevant. When I read that no one who dreamt of falling to their death ever dreamt of landing because they would not have survived it, thus had no concept of the impact. Armed with that knowledge, which made perfectly good sense to me, I was able to control the thoughts even in my nightmare. Instead of landing, I would dream that I only needed to put my arms out and swoop away and never touch ground. I never had that nightmare after that though I still might get a queasy feeling behind my knees when I stand on a precipice or even think about it.

Noting also that my mind is never clear of thinking, I now hear the Greek Chorus that is always in the background. The Chorus is comprised of my parents, mentors, and all the others in my life whose opinions mattered to me and from whom my value system was forged. Sometimes the disaster oriented people in my life creep into it. Concentrating on my thought processes brought me in touch with the scan of the mental database I run through when I am making a decision. As I look out the window and see the snow, recall the weather report about temperature and wind, I begin to think about what I will wear when I go out this evening, from top to bottom.

Looking out the window I see one of the bluest skies I have ever seen and search my data bank for what causes this effect. Coming up empty, I immediately dash for Google. As I read the explanation, it all comes back to me. I've read that before. Why did I not retain the information? I conjecture it is because I didn't need to, I knew it was available elsewhere in storage and there if I looked it up again. But I remembered I had read it before. That must mean something of it has been retained. Where was it stored and why was it not available to me when I wanted it? So there I was, off in a thought detour! Maybe my brain retains headlines only on certain subjects.

I'm sure everyone thinks in different ways. Some people have more audio recall and others more visual. Lots happens for me by association. I remember names, jokes, and many events that way. I spell words, when in doubt, by writing them on my mental blackboard. I often spot that they don't look right that way. Of course, the spellchecker on the computer has ruined my ability to spell as well as I used to because I rely too heavily on it.

Having started thinking about thinking, I feel as if I have just touched the tip of an iceberg...unfortunately my position on most things in life.

THINKING ABOUT THINKING

For some elusive reason, I thought about thinking about what I was thinking. As I thought about it, I realized that thinking was a process which differs greatly, depending on the subject or focus. Clearly, as I think, I also feel. If my thoughts are about the weather or current temperature, my body responds and then my mind plans what I must do about being too warm (a rarity) or too cold. If the latter, my mind visualizes what I will do about it. The bathroom where my fluffy robe hangs became a visual. In my mind I walk to it, take the robe off the hook, put it on my body, then tie the belt on. This image will quickly be followed by action, in which I follow the visualization procedure.

Experimenting with other thoughts, I wondered if I could trigger my body to recreate the terror I experienced when I had been in the Athens airport while Palestinian terrorists were throwing hand grenades into the crowd (which included my husband, me, and three of our children). Memory became two parts; the first was the memory of being there, hearing and feeling the events as though I were an observer floating above it all, rather than a participant. The second part was the view from my own body, reliving it through my eyes and other senses directly as it happened, but with a muted fear response from the one when actually there. I figured this was because I already knew the end result...we would all be okay and unhurt. Fear fades, as does the tension when you read a book or see a movie for the second time and can put away the anxiety. I concluded that memories, even of horrors, aren't experienced as acutely when one currently feels safe. Imagining the unknown can stir up emotion, especially if you are a catastrophizer, but it is not as painful as having actually lived through something where results are sure.

Sometimes I think in black and white visualizations, sometimes in color. At times I think in Greek, especially if I have been immersed by a visit there or a visit to Greek speaking relatives. Sometimes my thinking has sound: people's voices, music, my conscience (my own voice speaking to me)if my own voice is not lecturing me, it may be rationalizing or explaining.

At other times, my brain is dialoguing with itself, replaying a conversation, planning what I could have...or should have said. I rehearse conversations but when I actually get to those, the other person never gives their dialogue properly as I have planned it so what I have rehearsed doesn't happen and I have to go back to ad libbing.

Sometimes I set up behavioral tasks for myself. When I am procrastinating, I tell myself I can read a book, or reward myself in some other way if I get a certain number of items off my to-do list. There is never a time when I am not thinking. That is why it always surprising when I ask someone what they are thinking about and get the answer, "Oh, nothing, I was just driving." It reminds me of when I taught Family Therapy and asked students their ethnicity. Some were naive enough to tell me that they had none, they were just American!

Since I am a multi-tasker, I think and plan while I am reading e-mail, reading a book, or watching TV. I think about other things while on hold, or on boring phone calls. How my brain splits thoughts has always intrigued me. If I am peeling a potato it barely engages my focus. I plan all sort of things and work through difficult planning while doing rote tasks. Fantasizing, day dreaming, solving problems, reliving events, running movies in my head (taken without benefit of camera), and so much more goes on in my brain. Have you ever thought about what goes on in yours?