CLIFF HANGER FOOTBALL GAMES

My physiology is no longer set up for recreational tension and stress. I'm for instant gratification these days and happy endings. My whole evening was spent with my stomach in knots, hoping against hope that the Patriot's would break records. They did lots of that. However, it looked like they were going to lose the game (and their unbeaten score for the year) until they rallied and got a couple of touchdowns in their pocket. Then with a little over a minute left, the Giants scored another touchdown, though were short 3 points for a tie. Finally the clock ran out and the Patriot's were winners, undefeated for the entire year!. I wonder how my constitution will stand the play-offs and the Super Bowl if they make it there!! At least tonight had its happy ending.

When I think back to my teen years, I loved risks. rode roller coasters and on the back of motor cycles, accepted rides from strangers all the time, and wonder how I made it to this age relatively unscathed and alive. As the years go on, I guess I am too aware of the dangers out there in the real world. My perception is that there were fewer of them when I was a teen than there are today...or do I only think so because we didn't have a TV to report every blip in the world, constantly, from everywhere in the world.

Despite what happens to my chemistry with the tensions set up by a football game with so much at stake that really doesn't touch me personally, I masochistically watch the game and will continue to do so through the rest of the football season through the Super Bowl.

GENDER EQUALITY

As I grieve, with much of the world, at the senseless death of Benizir Bhutto, I began to think about how 'more than equal' this woman was to most of the men in the world. She was well-educated, extraordinarily bright (started Harvard/Radcliffe at 16), educated at Oxford, and deeply committed to making this a better world for her country. The ridiculousness that some brainwashed ram in Bin Laden's flock could be the cause of her death; someone so ignorant that he thinks Allah wants him to kill, that he will be in his version of Heaven forever, and who obviously has not even read much about his own religion.

In some places, women risk their lives, as did Bhutto, but not for the good of the world but their own selfish gains. It is sad to think that women believe they must emulate men in order to be equal to them. Yet we all have our need for survival built into us, whatever the reason for our wish to continue living. We observe that the denial gene is in good health and thriving.

Years ago I heard Helen Kazantzakis (wife of the author of Zorba the Greek and other books) speak in Cambridge. She said there would be no more wars if women ran countries because they would never send their sons to be killed. However, if women continue to think they must be and think like men, this will change.

Our Department of Justice demonstrates how equality is handled by them. The information is from 2004, the most recent I could find, and is as follows:

Female inmates largely resemble male inmates in terms of race,
ethnic background, and age.  However, women are substantially
more likely than men to be serving time for a drug offense and
less likely to have been sentenced for a violent crime.
Nearly 6 in 10 female inmates grew up in a household with at
least one parent absent, and about half reported that an
immediate family member had also served time.  More than 4 in
10 reported prior physical or sexual abuse.

The hormonal nature of women does not make them as risk-taking and, normally, as violent as men. However, evolution does call for changes in adaptation and I have often wondered how we are evolving, as men lose their protective-from-the-elements bodily hair and women are forced to compete in this unsafe-for-them world. If men have for centuries been urged to impregnate any woman they meet as some scientists believe, women in our modern society must protect themselves against rape. Modern society dictates one marital union at a time but we all know there is yet a double standard. The USA still does not have the 28th amendment ratified. Does the fact that it was first introduced in 1923 indicate how strongly men have opposed (even in this country, though it is not an integral part of most religions) seeing their female counterparts as anything but a threat. The law no longer makes them their husband's chattel. Well, that's a baby step hurdle!

ASSERTIVENESS IS NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH CONFRONTATION

"Assertiveness basically means the ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that clearly states your needs and keeps the lines of communication open with the other" (The Wellness Workbook, Ryan and Travis). The concept has long been confused (even by Merriam-Webster) with aggressiveness. Being honest, direct, and clearly stating your own position need not be confrontational (a great fear by many) or aggressive (too often mistaken as anger). Aggressive behavior requires forcing your own needs on others; assertiveness simply defines and protects one's own boundaries.

The University of Illinois (UIUC) write as follows:
"Keep in mind that you have the following rights:

• The right to decide how to lead your life. This includes pursuing your own goals and dreams and establishing your own priorities.
• The right to your own values, beliefs, opinions, and emotions -- and the right to respect yourself for them, no matter the opinion of others.
• The right not to justify or explain your actions or feelings to others.
• The right to tell others how you wish to be treated.
• The right to express yourself and to say "No," "I don't know," "I don't understand," or even "I don't care." You have the right to take the time you need to formulate your ideas before expressing them.
• The right to ask for information or help -- without having negative feelings about your needs.
• The right to change your mind, to make mistakes, and to sometimes act illogically -- with full understanding and acceptance of the consequences.
• The right to like yourself even though you're not perfect, and to sometimes do less than you are capable of doing.
• The right to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel comfortable and free to express yourself honestly -- and the right to change or end relationships if they don't meet your needs.
• The right to change, enhance, or develop your life in any way you determine. "
  

What is left out of the above is that everyone has the right to disagree with you and refuse your requests. Just because you like someone does not require that they also like you. Just because you behave in certain ways to others does not mean that they will behave in kind to you. Just because you are good to others does not mean that people will necessarily be good to you.

It is never confrontational to tell someone who is standing on your foot to, please, note they are doing that and to, please, get off. It would be quite unassertive not to do so. The manner in which you state a request, the words you choose, profanity or lack of it, use of words rather than physical coercion, all determine how a request may be received and perceived. Assertiveness also requires that people state their needs and not expect others to anticipate and fulfill them. They may have to deal with disappointment when not being granted their wish. Too often people don't want to risk a refusal (which gets misperceived as rejection) so they quietly become more and more annoyed when someone doesn't 'guess' their wish or need and attend to it.

Cultural traditions also impact this area. A generation ago in Vienna, it was not polite to accept a hostess's delicacy on the first offering. The serving had to be offered at least three times before a polite guest could accept it. Other cultures tell a guest to make themselves and home and help themselves. You can see the bind in which that person from Vienna might find themselves.

Probably the most difficult part of handling confrontation is to react to the facts, not the emotion engendered. When confronted with a false accusation, you may feel shamed, insulted, distressed, or overwhelmed that someone can be accusing you of something false. If you respond with your feelings rather than the content of their message, you will have allowed yourself to be sidetracked.

For most unassertive people with whom I have had contact, it is the fear of being disliked or 'hurting someone's feelings' that keeps them from speaking up. It puzzles me why someone fears being disliked for the truth. People may not always like what they hear but, rarely, if one is being fair and honest, does it destroy long-term relationships. As for hurting feelings, the truth should not be in that category. If feelings are hurt by the truth, it is not the messenger that should be shot for it.

THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

People who have a birthday so close to a holiday miss out on something others experience on their birthday celebrations. They don't have to deal with exhausted people, overfed, tired from wrapping, worried about paying the bills from the credit card companies, and all that people are met with on the day-after let-down. It was hard to work up energy to celebrate a friend's birthday in a restaurant after having eaten my way through enormous feasts for the past two days. However, a long time friend was born the day after Christmas 84 years ago. He is a widower and had no plans to celebrate this special day. He didn't fight going out, though he unsuccessfully fought allowing himself to be treated to his choice of dinner.

It was then I realized, once again, what an old boss had told me years ago and which I scarcely comprehended at the time. There is no such thing as an altruistic act. When one gives to another, one identifies with the recipient and vicariously takes pleasure in being both giver and recipient.

Driving to the restaurant and finding an almost fully packed, very large parking lot. I speculated there were a few people taking out Mom or whoever had done the Holiday cooking, and indeed, within the restaurant it certainly appeared that way. Maybe people might have been taking advantage of gift cards so they could escape the turkey carcass or yet another mound of dishes in the sink....who knows? Whatever their reasons for being in a restaurant the day after Christmas, I thoroughly enjoyed my friend's pleasure at eating something he didn't have to cook himself and I enjoyed listening to what he has been learning while reading Scientific American.

CHRISTMAS EVE

Christmas Eve should be fun for everyone. I'm going to get ready to catch Santa coming down the chimney this year! If I do catch him, I'll never tell!

Joy and Peace to all who may see this.

YOU'LL NEVER NEED ANOTHER REFERENCE BOOK

Have you ever heard someone referred to as a gemoke? I had no idea when I was asked what it was. Google in short order told me. It's origin was USAF. There is also another reference on jamoke.

I have referred in my blog to a blivet. I knew what it had meant in WWII but was happy to see that its use has been made more politically correct and can now mean an intractable problem.

There is an urban dictionary to which you can (free) subscribe for a daily word in your email.
Wikipedia is another excellent resource. Searching may require a bit of patience, but after all, so did finding the right book and looking up things in the past.

We are not even confined to the United States English. Check for UK slang to be looked up.

Try for Australian slang. Just don't talk about your fanny. Do you need to check on the meaning of foreign phrases? Try babel fish. There is seemingly no end to the amount of information you can find and learn. There is even a site for new words.

For people with cell phones there is a whole new language called cellspeak. With a bit of adventurous spirit, you can really expand your horizons in so many ways previously unavailable.