ASSERTIVENESS IS NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH CONFRONTATION

"Assertiveness basically means the ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that clearly states your needs and keeps the lines of communication open with the other" (The Wellness Workbook, Ryan and Travis). The concept has long been confused (even by Merriam-Webster) with aggressiveness. Being honest, direct, and clearly stating your own position need not be confrontational (a great fear by many) or aggressive (too often mistaken as anger). Aggressive behavior requires forcing your own needs on others; assertiveness simply defines and protects one's own boundaries.

The University of Illinois (UIUC) write as follows:
"Keep in mind that you have the following rights:

• The right to decide how to lead your life. This includes pursuing your own goals and dreams and establishing your own priorities.
• The right to your own values, beliefs, opinions, and emotions -- and the right to respect yourself for them, no matter the opinion of others.
• The right not to justify or explain your actions or feelings to others.
• The right to tell others how you wish to be treated.
• The right to express yourself and to say "No," "I don't know," "I don't understand," or even "I don't care." You have the right to take the time you need to formulate your ideas before expressing them.
• The right to ask for information or help -- without having negative feelings about your needs.
• The right to change your mind, to make mistakes, and to sometimes act illogically -- with full understanding and acceptance of the consequences.
• The right to like yourself even though you're not perfect, and to sometimes do less than you are capable of doing.
• The right to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel comfortable and free to express yourself honestly -- and the right to change or end relationships if they don't meet your needs.
• The right to change, enhance, or develop your life in any way you determine. "
  

What is left out of the above is that everyone has the right to disagree with you and refuse your requests. Just because you like someone does not require that they also like you. Just because you behave in certain ways to others does not mean that they will behave in kind to you. Just because you are good to others does not mean that people will necessarily be good to you.

It is never confrontational to tell someone who is standing on your foot to, please, note they are doing that and to, please, get off. It would be quite unassertive not to do so. The manner in which you state a request, the words you choose, profanity or lack of it, use of words rather than physical coercion, all determine how a request may be received and perceived. Assertiveness also requires that people state their needs and not expect others to anticipate and fulfill them. They may have to deal with disappointment when not being granted their wish. Too often people don't want to risk a refusal (which gets misperceived as rejection) so they quietly become more and more annoyed when someone doesn't 'guess' their wish or need and attend to it.

Cultural traditions also impact this area. A generation ago in Vienna, it was not polite to accept a hostess's delicacy on the first offering. The serving had to be offered at least three times before a polite guest could accept it. Other cultures tell a guest to make themselves and home and help themselves. You can see the bind in which that person from Vienna might find themselves.

Probably the most difficult part of handling confrontation is to react to the facts, not the emotion engendered. When confronted with a false accusation, you may feel shamed, insulted, distressed, or overwhelmed that someone can be accusing you of something false. If you respond with your feelings rather than the content of their message, you will have allowed yourself to be sidetracked.

For most unassertive people with whom I have had contact, it is the fear of being disliked or 'hurting someone's feelings' that keeps them from speaking up. It puzzles me why someone fears being disliked for the truth. People may not always like what they hear but, rarely, if one is being fair and honest, does it destroy long-term relationships. As for hurting feelings, the truth should not be in that category. If feelings are hurt by the truth, it is not the messenger that should be shot for it.