AGING IS A D0-IT-YOURSELF PROJECT WITHOUT A KIT

When I was young I knew older people, liked some of them, but  relationship with them was mostly student/mentor,or child/parent.  Now that I am old, my relationships with friends a generation younger are more intimate and I  wondered why until I really began to think about it seriously.  Mostly, I am told by them that they feel comfortable in relating to me as a peer.  I do not treat them differently than I do friends my age and they do the same with me. This change occurred in me when I realized that, even though I have some things to offer from my own life experiences, my friends teach me  how to stay current with the constant changes in the world.

A few more things I keep in mind are, while I may make suggestions, I never force advice on others.  Years of being a therapist taught me that I can only live in my own skin and so I make no demand  for behaviors from other people with one exception.  I demand that people respect my boundaries as I respect theirs.  We are all entitled to our own physical and mental boundaries as we are entitled to live our own lives..

There is one great sadness for me as I am losing so many of the friends in my generation.  While I can share feelings, goals, happiness, life events with those younger than I, they really cannot share the same milestones with me through which I have passed or am passing.  Those can only be shared by people nearer my own age many of who, unfortunately, are stuck in them and seem to have forgotten what it is to live in those bodies and minds that start at birth and travel through all the ages to reach our own now.  The main thing, I guess, is the elders can relate to most of the issues of the youngers, but if you haven't gotten there yourself, it reverts to the old Indian saying, "you can't know a man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins."  Even if I can relate to younger people, I have to change the context from those in my life during the same passage of life. I knew (the depression of the 30s, WW!!, Dixieland and New Orleans Jazz, night clubs, jobs that you can work at for 40 or more years and get a decent pension after retirement, a job that will use all your training and pay accordingly, deciding on a spouse, becoming a parent, and most importantly, figuring out who you are, what you want out of life and how to go about getting some of it.) I shut lights, try to conserve energy and reuse as much as I can.  It is hard to wash out the experience of the Great Depression.  Planned obsolescence had not been born way back then.

If you outlive your friends, it will be mighty lonely if you can't get a long with the next generation or the one after that.  Becoming a great grandparent has put me within four generations.  Luckily, I accept change easily or I would succumb to the boredom and loneliness I see in many others my age who seem lost without people who know them and onto whom they can cling. .There is no map or book of instructions for growing old, you just have to figure it out for yourself though it helps if there are some good models around.  We will all  grow old.  Only some of us will do it independently, happily, and with  gratification for our life.

THERE ARE MULIPLE LAYERS TO GOOD COMMUNICATION IN A RELATIONSHIP

Many people seek therapists to agree with  a diagnosis of 'our problem is communication'  This is as meaningful as saying, 'Yes, there is weather out today'.  What people who have communication problems all share is the lack of ability to separate out the layers of their interactions, understand them and communicate them back to one another..

For example, let us assume there has been some misunderstanding when the couple is to meet somewhere.  One fails to show up on time.  This results in one placing blame and the other becoming defensive..  Neither may have shared the next layer of the interaction, thinking they have said all there is to say about it..  What did each feel?  What did they think the other felt?

Given consistent pushing from a third person, it might be  noted that each has made conclusions on watching body cues, facial expressions,tenor and volume of voice and misinterpreted them as anger and blame by not asking the other for confirmation.as to whether they were being accurately read.  This is likely followed by a discussion of  what each said to the other that was perceived inaccurately and then responded to the inaccuracy with more inaccuracy.  Coaxed, both of them might eventually be able  to tell from where in their past their words had triggered their reactions.  Those may have been feeling blamed or criticized, frustrated, boxed in, pushed out, or any number of responses..

Assessing the concrete facts of how each had initially planned to meet and what had failed is simply step number one of the communication.  The second step is the understanding as to what kept the lack of communication from a clearer understanding from both. The more essential task is to get insight as to what fed the responses made to the other person and where misunderstanding in this process may have occurred, finalizing the discussion only when each understands the other.  Often it is easier to see anger than pain.  Many people cringe at anger and stop talking.  Accepting pain in the other requires.the ability of hearing about it without feeling guilty or responsible for pain that you might not have caused. 

In most communication within relationships, it is best to say more than less.  If a person cannot really share their feelings it will make misreading body language as well as words and intent inaccurately.too simple and frequent an occurrence. Good communication skills go far beyond just knowing the words to use or telling the other person what they should have said or how they should have said it.

Today our President made it clear that it was his personal opinion that LGBTs should be permitted marriage.  He seems to have evolved this opinion by realizing that all citizens should have equal rights not to be determined by one group's religious beliefs.  It saddens me that the courts are so bloated that it is unlikely that all the cases fighting for equal rights will not get to see their law suits heard before the election.  This touches the number of voters who will be able to cast their votes.  There seems to be no way the Republicans will allow fairness or adherence to the rights of voters. Mayor Cory Booker of Newark, NJ spoke brilliantly that the issue is not an LGBT issue nor are there racial issues of discrimination.  It is about adhering to the fourteenth amendment making American citizens' equal.

Our politicians are ignoring all rules of conduct and proper procedure of their office.  When Boehner let a religious group use Statuary Hall , he violated the proper usage for that venue.  We taxpayers are expected to pay for the Hall that allowed a speaker who tells the group that AIDS was given us as punishment for the sinful choices of homosexuals.

Why is there no action on a Federal level for the violations of the separation of church and state when elected officials of the legislature denies such a constitution requirement exists. If our elected representatives (which I take means to represent their constituents) are defying the wishes of their majority, they should be impeached..If they believe that employees not doing their jobs should be fired, they too should expect the same treatment.

DISHONESTY AND NEGATIVE CAMPAIGNING IS NOT PRESIDENTIAL

Mitt Romney

What is wrong with people that believe Mitt Romney in face of all the media replaying what he has said before.  He is now taking credit for saving the auto industry!  Of the many lies he keeps repeating, how is it that people don't see how our country would be totally destroyed by an incompetent to lead such as he.

Rachel Maddow does better at listing some of his lies than I ever could.  Watch the video here.

Jon Perr also has an interesting video worth watching.

Oh, dear!  Where does one begin to spout off without it ending up to be an offensive rant about the politically unwise people who cannot spot a scam because they have no ability to think logically for themselves.

WHO SAID CRIME DOES NOT PAY?

 When there is possibility of anonymity, people dare to be more brazed in committing crimes.  It is obvious why a person cracking a safe will wear gloves to hide finger prints; why rape is more frightening when semen samples are kept (though i am not sure there are any statistics on whether that fact has diminished the crime
 Crime certainly does pay, though not for everyone.  The crooks developed bribes many years ago.  They are used everywhere.  One can only wonder what sort of bribe did it take for Supreme Court Justice Roberts to drop all sense of judicial decency and change the meaning of the right to free speech to include corporations as a 'person'?  

While anonymity makes getting away with crime easier, there is also crime committed simply from high profile.  The TV evangelists who ended up in jail for taking so much money from poor people with great hypocrisy are such.  Cheney  got us into a war on lies.  Bush, his puppet, followed.  Lies on the media ()Rush Limbaugh, Fox News, eg) are most damaging but the public seems to tolerate too many of these quietly and helplessly. 

The druggist who saved money by filling prescriptions with placebos was in every way a heinous criminal who probably cause great misery and, in some cases, even death.

The scam artist who takes money from the elderly with devious messages about having won thousands of dollars  (Include a check which clearly states non-negotiable but fall for the message that says send $20 to receive your gift, or winnings, or trip or whatever scam they might be using.  The Wall St. thieves who invented the sub-prime mortgage scam are a step high in the food chain of criminals.

By now, my readers could think of several more examples to add to this blog.  How does the church get away with the pedophile crimes that have been committed for years?  Send other examples by using the comment option at the bottom.

DO REPUBLICANS KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING BUT CRITICIZE FALSELY?

If it weren't for constant interruptions by people who think I should be free on Sunday morning since they know I don't go to church, I would get to see and hear all of Meet the Press and This Week.  Today, I caught enough of This Week to wonder what the producers could have had in mind when they put Fox News star, Greta Van Susteren on a panel.  If that weren't enough to spoil a potentially good panel (even with George Will who is, at least, tolerable with some rationality) the panel included Bay Buchanan. 

Van Susteren did a Mitt Romney imitation (only broader since she knows more about the world situation than he.)  She rattled off, non-stop, all the things she thinks Obama should have done but has not, as though the Republicans were not in the least obstructive.  The arrogance with which she speaks is enough to have no doubts that she is a Fox News staffer.  She can give him no credit for getting bin Laden but criticizes his 'attitude'. She claims his talk is all "I..., I..., I...."When everyone is saying he has accomplished nothing, while Romney is taking credit for his brilliant background in business and ability to do everything Obama has failed to do but doesn't say how, I found her most annoying. 

Producers, there are some people, even some Republicans, who can speak sanely, rationally, and even if we disagree with them, we are able to hear them with some respect.  Why not try to have some of them on instead of people Fox News when we are on ABC because we do not like or trust the people on Fox News?  Why load your panels with an angry, aging woman who comes through as projecting, :I hate Obama no matter what he achieves.' ?  There is more rational thinking on Bill Maher's panels even though he usually manages to have one noxious person of three on each show.

Buchanan had this contribution  ") BUCHANAN:  You know, the enthusiasm factor is going to be there, I can tell you now.  Take a look at what we just heard this morning on your program.  You know, President Obama, his record — we’ve lost — Americans have lost more jobs, lost more homes, and more people have fallen into poverty than any time since the Great Depression, and we have David Axelrod, his man, come on television this morning, and what did he say?  We have to figure out how to work the economy so that it helps the middle class.  Three-and-a-half years, they haven’t figured it out.  He’s admitting they don’t know how to do it, and he wants us to give him more time, what, to figure it out?.. Americans are suffering across the country.  There’s no more time for this man."  She makes no mention of what was there when he took over nor the many ideas that have been presented and refused by the majority of Republicans in the Legislature.

HOW DO YOU GET THERE FROM HERE: ATHEISM FROM BELIEF IN GOD AND RELIGION

With the current usage of the Internet, people don't have to wait two years to get something 'polished' about their thoughts, research results, or anything else they want to share with the world and from which they get instant feedback.  The route to Atheism used to be a much lonelier journey,  Most all children are exposed to the religion of their parents very early in life.  To deviate from that indoctrination and the often ostracism from parents for doing so is a notable.deterrent to voicing one's lack of religious belief in today's world.

There are those who believe you are born an Atheist though there is nothing yet found in brain research to confirm this, and those who are shocked to think that others do not believe in their God..  What is more likely is that some of us are born with a need to prove everything we believe, just as an infant learns to taste and bite everything to understand or later recognize it. 

Religion is replete with doctrines, under the name of God's word, which would suggest that God changed 'it's' mind as often as Mitt Romney changes political stances.  Just as we have people trained to translate the Constitution, to make it fit today's world, the Bible has become obsolete by its advanced age.  What made sense in the year 1 AD might not fit in today's world.  I do not know if anyone has ever financed good solid follow-up research to see if those 'we trust in God' make out any better in life, overall, than Atheists. 

Recently, Valerie Terico wrote an interesting article on  How I Left My Evangelical Christian Faith.  To read just how one person reached her own conclusions, click here.