THINKING ABOUT THINKING

For some elusive reason, I thought about thinking about what I was thinking. As I thought about it, I realized that thinking was a process which differs greatly, depending on the subject or focus. Clearly, as I think, I also feel. If my thoughts are about the weather or current temperature, my body responds and then my mind plans what I must do about being too warm (a rarity) or too cold. If the latter, my mind visualizes what I will do about it. The bathroom where my fluffy robe hangs became a visual. In my mind I walk to it, take the robe off the hook, put it on my body, then tie the belt on. This image will quickly be followed by action, in which I follow the visualization procedure.

Experimenting with other thoughts, I wondered if I could trigger my body to recreate the terror I experienced when I had been in the Athens airport while Palestinian terrorists were throwing hand grenades into the crowd (which included my husband, me, and three of our children). Memory became two parts; the first was the memory of being there, hearing and feeling the events as though I were an observer floating above it all, rather than a participant. The second part was the view from my own body, reliving it through my eyes and other senses directly as it happened, but with a muted fear response from the one when actually there. I figured this was because I already knew the end result...we would all be okay and unhurt. Fear fades, as does the tension when you read a book or see a movie for the second time and can put away the anxiety. I concluded that memories, even of horrors, aren't experienced as acutely when one currently feels safe. Imagining the unknown can stir up emotion, especially if you are a catastrophizer, but it is not as painful as having actually lived through something where results are sure.

Sometimes I think in black and white visualizations, sometimes in color. At times I think in Greek, especially if I have been immersed by a visit there or a visit to Greek speaking relatives. Sometimes my thinking has sound: people's voices, music, my conscience (my own voice speaking to me)if my own voice is not lecturing me, it may be rationalizing or explaining.

At other times, my brain is dialoguing with itself, replaying a conversation, planning what I could have...or should have said. I rehearse conversations but when I actually get to those, the other person never gives their dialogue properly as I have planned it so what I have rehearsed doesn't happen and I have to go back to ad libbing.

Sometimes I set up behavioral tasks for myself. When I am procrastinating, I tell myself I can read a book, or reward myself in some other way if I get a certain number of items off my to-do list. There is never a time when I am not thinking. That is why it always surprising when I ask someone what they are thinking about and get the answer, "Oh, nothing, I was just driving." It reminds me of when I taught Family Therapy and asked students their ethnicity. Some were naive enough to tell me that they had none, they were just American!

Since I am a multi-tasker, I think and plan while I am reading e-mail, reading a book, or watching TV. I think about other things while on hold, or on boring phone calls. How my brain splits thoughts has always intrigued me. If I am peeling a potato it barely engages my focus. I plan all sort of things and work through difficult planning while doing rote tasks. Fantasizing, day dreaming, solving problems, reliving events, running movies in my head (taken without benefit of camera), and so much more goes on in my brain. Have you ever thought about what goes on in yours?