CLIMBING OUT OF THE PIT

Whether it is death, divorce, or something else....when life makes a radical change in your life for which you feel unequipped, you need to write a new life script. Unprepared for the new life ahead need not be devastating. Grieving is one process through which one must pass; planning for life without that person, job, home or whatever is a second.

Somethings which no one can take away from us are memories. For some these might be predominantly positive; for others negative. It is much easier to move on when the loss has been welcomed. Anger fills the emotional gaps in many of us because emptiness is too painful to bear, making anger an easy filler. When left with the emptiness of life which anger alone cannot fill, new coping skills must be developed. If the loss was a parent, closeness continues to be felt because the parents are introjects and live in our heads. The loss is great if the parent remained as the only life partner. If the loss is a spouse, indeed the entire day must be planned and scheduled anew. If the loss was a job, it is as much an identity lost as no longer being a Mrs. Someone or a Man in a twosome. If the loss is one of the senses or a limb, the road back to a satisfactory level of functioning is a long, hard one.

Before one can begin a life change, the reality of the loss must be faced. Functions the lost person filled must find replacements. That done, then activities shared may cease. If continued, new companions for those must be found. Much depends on one's activities prior to the loss. Two people who lived velcroed to one another have much more life to replace when one is lost. A well-rounded person has friends and activities that may or may not be shared with their partner. Whether it is death or divorce. those who socialized mostly in the companionship of other couples will find that couples tend to want to keep the balance. Single women are often too threatening for a variety of reasons. Widows and divorcees seem to find others like themselves...it seems there are plenty of both around. Widowers and divorced men have far less trouble ( from my observations) finding companionship. That may be because there are more available women and because they can look for younger women. The down-side of that is that when they marry younger women, the wife (if she has had no children) wants one or more so they end up starting their adult life over as a parent to infants, seeming not to mind that they will be beyond retirement age when their children are still in school.

In this new script, family and friends should be one of the most important elements. Maximizing one's health is critical. A healthy diet, rest as much as is needed (since the amount varies with each individual) is uppermost in priority. Those fortunate enough not to have gross financial worries can spend more time working out a budget to include those recreational activities of greatest interest; sometimes travel, concerts, theater and movies, time to read or whatever keeps someone balanced and relaxed.

More simply, most of us will survive loss but the quality of life can be manipulated to be more positive than negative. 'Stay connected' should be the phrase of the day.