A neighbor whom I see only when she wants to use my fax, printer copier or computer, phoned me last night after I had not heard from her or seen her in many months (since the last time she needed something). As I felt myself tense when she told me her printer wouldn't work and she needed to fax something out (deadline was tomorrow), and I recall how easily I had slipped into feeling intruded upon.
This person sends me humor on email most often and keeps me laughing. She has little to give but that is a gift that cannot be bought. She has been a neighbor since she was young with two small children and a husband. She was always smiling, never a gossip. It was only much later that I learned how difficult her life had been, always. The neighborhood, at that time, had lots of youngish couples and we used to get together frequently in one or another's house. As time went on, there was divorce for her and two other couples on the street. The group solidarity was shattered.
This particular woman has struggled to raise her family and has had the most amount of surgery, ill health, and medical emergencies of most anyone I have known. Tragedy has stalked her. As I thought of my initial response and 'attitude' I shocked myself. Why had I resented having to shift my schedule for the evening to devote a couple of hours for someone who needed it. While I hate having someone say I must have it NOW, I realized that it cannot be easy for her to ask for help. She has always been proud and tries to give as much, if not more, as she takes. I remember that I have never accepted an offer from her because, frankly, I don't need to be reimbursed for so little by someone for whom it would be alot.
What I further realized is that it would have been easy to feel angry and put upon if I could have convinced myself that was what had happened, or was harboring a need to feel angry. I could not. I felt hypocritical for my thoughts. This is a woman who had a need. A friend gives to a friend when the meed is there, not when it is necessarily convenient. We should all be able to commit an act of random kindness as well as responding to any distress from a neighbor. The resulting feelings are all in one's attitude.
2 comments:
Before my elderly neighbor across the street descended into a hell of surgeries and recoveries followed by more surgeries and "recoveries" etc. that ended exactly as you would expect, she was slowly losing her sight and she sometimes asked me for help getting stuff done- writing checks, calling bill collectors, moving furniture- all kinds of things. I say "asked" but she really just called and told me to come over. She would call and tell me to "Drop by after work" or "Drop by after dinner" and I always would. Just because I went though didn't stop me from feeling resentment and feeling "taken advantage of" and a slew of other emotions that really only made helping her more difficult...
Anyway, after she died I remembered all the times I felt so angry and resentful towards her and I was absolutely ashamed of my self. I felt petty and mean (in the classical definition of the word: characterized by or indicative of lack of generosity) and resolved to never set myself up that way again. It was a good resolution. The generation above me needs more and more from me and I want the generation below me to see what needs to be done when I need them. The narcissim ("my time is more important than what you need..") and self absorbtion just make the work of living harder.
Indeed, the older generation may claim a lot of time from the younger, but there are 'youngers' with needs often just as inconvenient and time consuming. When they are ours, we may feel it as responsibility while those 'belonging' to others may feel like a choice. I've always felt that most people don't choose emergencies and they often happen at inconvenient times for others. The response to them is always our choice though our moral core may not let it seem that way. Thanks for writing...your father did the same thing for years with Mrs. B, next door!
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