HOW TO TURN NEW ENGLAND INTO FLORIDA

First, get old. Second, push your winter thermostat high enough so that your fuel bill more than equals your yearly taxes. In the summer, do the same with the AC. Next, surround yourself with retirees. This will assure that you will always have people with whom to discuss doctor's appointments and find names to file away for when you need a specialist. Scratch the name off the list if your friend doesn't make it.

If you miss the huge cockroaches and other bugs, buy plenty of bananas. You're bound to find some with a tarantula or some beefy, hairy spider eventually...unless you'd rather have a small, yippy lap dog for a pet...one you can pretend to walk as though you enjoy the exercise.

You can make new friends with all the wakes, shiva attendance, or whatever else goes on for the deceased, of which there seem to be many showing up in our late decades. If you must drive outside, have a remote starter built into your car so you can turn it on in the house and not step into it until it is very hot! Wear sunglasses to cut the glare of the snow and pretend it is bright sunlight off the ocean. Since returnees from Florida use sunblock now, no one will notice your Northern pallor.

When snow begins to fall or icicles to form on your windows, quickly close the shades and put on DVDs of sandy beaches, swimming pools, and doddering old people having fun. It will save packing up and moving your body a great distance. to say nothing of all the effort of unpacking and repacking in the spring. then unpacking, yet again, when you are returned to your home. Add to the enjoyment by thinking of the money you are saving, then spend it while imagining how your children will be shocked when they learn you meant you didn't plan to take it with you.