BEING USED BY OTHERS

Recently I was asked how you can prevent yourself from being used by friends and others. After much thought, I realized you can't always prevent this from happening, but once you see that it is, you can easily stop it.

You can't know someone will manipulate and use you until it is happening, or if you knew someone's reputation for this before, you should be well warned and defensively cautious and the responsibility then totally yours. It is you who decides just how much you wish to do for another; it has nothing to do with how much they wheedle, plead, or manipulate. Whether you say yes or agree is always up to you unless there is some sort of blackmail going on which puts you into a bind to keep you or someone else from getting hurt. Even then, you need to decide whether or not to go along with the request.

There are three ways of being used...one is as in 'usury' (an unconscionable or exorbitant rate or amount of interest). Credit cards and loan sharks do this but, again, most of us have a choice whether we wish to participate. If there are no other options open, you may be forced to be used. The second is as in 'abused' (to put to a wrong or improper use, to maltreat). This is a power struggle in which one may be the weaker and the loser. Employers, parents, sexual predators, teachers, or anyone in higher authority may be the abuser...physically, emotionally, financially or otherwise. There are ways to stop the abuse but usually one has to understand they are being abused, which surprisingly the victim does not always realize. The third is as in 'misused' (to use incorrectly, misapply or mistreat). If you allow yourself to be in a situation where the rules and boundaries are not clear, you lay yourself open to result in being mistreated. You are responsible for giving a doctor correct information or you cannot claim mistreatment, as an example.

The bottom line in any abuse (other than with children who might not be able to know better or have no control over a situation, or special needs children who may be physically or mentally challenged and who do not have coping skills). It is incumbent on us all to be our own advocates, to ask for help when we need it, and to not believe, mistakenly, that we will be loved if we do everything others ask of us.
Setting your own boundaries doesn't make manipulators happy but it will spare you.

A normal give in take in healthy relationships is not misuse. We all use others but there should always be a give and take and agreements must be consensual.