TAKING THE ' I ' POSITION TO BE AN INDIVIDUAL

Too many people are caught up in what others think or want.  Witness the many who ask "What would Jesus do?"  If you need to ask that question, you have not set your own value system nor matured sufficiently to make your own judgments.  You must, in order to survive in our present society, be your own advocate in whatever you do.  Too many people confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness.  These two are very different.  Aggressiveness puts other people in a defensive stance and tends to move them away.  Assertiveness need not be at all aggressive.  It is simply being tenacious and holding onto your own beliefs and choices.  It means you don't allow anyone to breach your boundaries, physical, emotional or otherwise.

Doctors see so many patients today; you cannot assume they remember you and your medical problems accurately, if at all.  Had I not insisted on having an MRI on my knee, confirming my own lay diagnosis from my symptoms, I would not have had the benefit I subsequently gained from the arthroscopic surgery I underwent.  My doctor gave his reason for not having ordered the MRI (aside from insurance screaming at unnecessary costs) that I had not indicated sufficient pain!  I'm not given to loud complaints and also have a fairly high pain threshold.. It turned out I was correct and he had not gone far enough.

If you take an ' I ' position, you will  think, feel,  believe,  will do,  will not do.  Following this position, you take command of your own life.  You should not need to triangle others in with the "even my co-workers think you are unfair."  Always state your own position only as, ' I'  think you are being unfair and these are the reasons why I think that."   Too often the pronoun "we" is used.  To be an independent person (that does not mean you are not in relationships), you do not lose who you are in togetherness.  You must learn to live in your own skin. When a menopausal mother is having hot flashes, she should not be taking off the sweaters and jackets of her children.   That, also, does not mean that you cannot be emotionally connected to others. It just means you know where you begin and end.  The nonsense in old marriage ceremonies about being of one flesh is inaccurate and downright bizarre!, nor criticism of  the beliefs or feelings of others.  It simply includes the idea of individual freedom as opposed to isolation.  For years I have heard . "First you must love yourself before you can feel loved."  In fact, one might reframe that to: "first you must define yourself before you can respect who you are and believe you are lovable."

Those who fight your individual right to your own values, feelings, and right to think your own thoughts will resist the process.  I do not know what the position of the Vatican is on this today, but I clearly remember patients telling me they were not supposed to allow themselves impure thoughts.  How one can keep thoughts out of their brain before they feel and know them, I will never accept!  It seems the church never learned that it is not what you think or feel that is important as what you do about those thoughts.  A  murderous rage that remains a fantasy and not an action will not land one in prison.  Taking the position that you have the right to think whatever you wish...to dream, to fantasy, to sublimate...is healthy.  It is the basis for setting your life goals.  However, it should be moderated by the ' I ' position which then replies with, "Am I being the kind of person I wish myself to be?"  "Will I reach my life goals if I submit to these impulsive, unconscionable behaviors?'

Kazantzakis searched for many years through religion and psychoanalysis before reaching a state in which he could think of the letters carved later on his gravestone.  It reads: " I want nothing, I fear no one, I am free.?  Please note his ' I ' position