Living with someone, while it has many advantages, should never be viewed without disadvantages also present. For the first time I was really in charge of my own life. I could get up when my schedule permitted and go to bed the same. I could eat when I was hungry and whatever I wished, or even skip a meal. I didn’t have to pick up after anyone else. I was totally responsible for picking up after myself with no lectures about my habits.
Physical touch was at first a loss but since I am a tactile person, I have many friends and relatives, especially grandsons, who hug me often. I used to think I missed being loved and cherished by ‘my man’, but recently figured out that is not primarily what I miss in my life. More importantly to me is missing a competent man, physically stronger than I, who is intelligent and with whom I can share ideas and discussions; one who will give me ideas as well as accept some of my own. I miss having a brain (around most of the time) to pick, that lives with me; to give me a male perspective on life when I get caught up in feminine tunnel vision. I have to work to maintain the balance now when I felt surrounded by it before.
What I miss is clearly acknowledged but having learned that, “I’ve been there; done that” has me knowing that, while I may miss it, I might not be able to live with what I have wished for! There is no way any intimate emotional bond would be attractive again nor would I be happy ‘back on the farm, now that I’ve seen Paree’. I’m in the U.S. of A. where widows are not an oddity nor badly treated. My new script keeps removing stress from my relatively unencumbered life….or will my life ever be unencumbered? The law of averages works seems just the same whether I am connected to someone intimately, velcroed to someone, dependent on another, or think I am lonely. One wins some; loses some.
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